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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

releasing water&light- but not so much light.

whats on the other side? certainly not a rainbow. its not even raining after all. and the sun- thats essential but thats gone too. but where did it all go?

i dont know. its scary, not knowing and not having anymore hope. theres no more hope. i hate myself for not being enough. enough for the sun to come out, enough for the rain to pour. instead its just cold. cloudy in some parts but not the slightest chance of showers. how did it get so cold all of a sudden?

you were there- it was hot just a couple weeks ago! i miss the sun. and before that, i wore my rain boots. i miss the rain. and there was a rainbow- a double rainbow? haha, no. but a rainbow none the less.

what is there now? theres nothing. there's "weather" i guess but its not what i want. i want everything i cant have. and what i want, wants everything it has... and hasnt. i'll never understand why the rain lost hope. why the rain doesnt want to pour anymore. global warming to blame? yes, at first. too much sun. too much heat. but then, but NOW, we've learned. learned so much... but now why still does it not rain??? i think its cuz its just too late.

snow now? no, no we live at the beach. there's no snow. but its too late in the year for much more sunshine left. and the days get darker sooner now. did you notice? daylight savings time and all that. the sun really is shining less. not because it wants to, but because its being forced out by the night. by the cold dark night, (where it still doesnt rain by the way.)

and so now what? what else is there if there's no sun, no rain, no rainbow at the end? just cold. just wind. just hurt. i wish i could take it all away. lets go back! lets go back to summer! i wish. there would still be time. i'll give it all the time in the world. there's no promise for tomorrow though. the weather is not easily predicted.

why doesnt the rain just come back now? i see the sun pop out and i feel it for parts of the day. it feels good to defrost. but the rain- the pesky rain. it doesnt want to come back. i hope the flowers dont die. they need both. and the trees too. i love the trees. they know whats important. its life. the rainbow is a sign of life. because its in balance with both things. love.

why cant the rain see that? why has it forgotten what it all means? its not fair. not at all. i love you. i love you rain. i love the sun too. i forgot about the sun. i forgot about the one you know. the one you met to make the rainbow so long ago. i forgot about it and now you forgot you. you've forgotten how to rain. the clouds are sparse now. and i'm scared they wont have the know how or the release to rain again. sometimes, i think i can see the moisture in them. but then they go. theyre really quite far away arent they? never quite above me that i can see. but where are they? where do they go when i cant see them? i dont know.

my heart is there though. where ever that is. i wish he knew. i wish he remembered. i wish so much. bring it back, i ask. bring back the rain. but it doesnt come. where is it? i dont know. will it come back? it doesnt seem that way. i miss the sunshine and the rain. i wish it were different. i wish so much.

its night now, so i guess now i can wish. i'll chose a star. and wish for the same thing every night. the rain wont hear because its out somewhere else and the sun- the sun wishes for the same thing i do. its not the end for me. no, i'll keep it all in my heart. (and in this blog...) because the rain cant read this! the rain cant read!

maybe i'll write a story book. one that makes more sense. its hard to make sense when nothing adds up (to a dollar?) no no, thats cents. cents and change. change was always ok. i didnt like that it jingled though. i didnt like that it might fall out of my pocket. so i used to keep it in my wallet so tight! that way it wouldnt make noise. but now i know its ok. i welcome the sound, i miss the noise. i miss it all.

i want i feel i know i cant i wish i hope i can i love. theres always so much. so much all the time. but now what? where to go from here? i wish i knew. the rain will never know what i go through for a dance. (a rain dance i mean) and i guess thats the best way. because, overall it doesnt matter what i want or what i feel. it does to me of course. it does to so many others but the rain, the rains not here. it doesnt feel me like i feel it. the rain is gonna rain when it wants, where it wants regardless of where i am.

i still want it though. the sun will have to do for now. it hurts too, the sun. too hot. risk of getting blisters. (and skin cancer- eek!) oh how i long for what i miss. nostalgia? not quite. regret, i admit- a little. all i know for sure. i love the rain. i wish that was all that mattered. i wish that were enough.


  1. Hi, I'm Mas. I was bored and came across your blog through Hugo's. I found this one and I don't know if you were just bored and decided to play with words or wanted to express something or the whole rain and sun thing was symbolism for something else, but that was amazing to read. I'm not really big on nature, and I could care less if it rains or if its sunny, but I really like how you use your feelings towards that and relate it with feelings we've all probably felt.Awesome read.

  2. :] mas, that means so much to me! much emotion did go into this and its so nice to know that someone else could relate to it. thank you :]

    & i feel like i know you better than you know as i am an avid reader of hugo's blog. he's told me a bit about you too.

  3. lol...ha. i didn't expect u to be so appreciative, let alone acknowledge my comment. But yeah dude you're an awesome writer. In the beginning, I sort of thought you were one of those "ignorance is bliss", "lets-be-happy-for-no-reason" type of people. But then, as I continued reading, you write about a plethora of emotions. Its really refreshing how you can express optimism and preach positivity despite what life may throw at you. You know what I'm saying? Like you're not trying to make life perfect, but you're trying to find the positives while acknowledging the negatives. That is very very very admirable.

  4. i really do appreciate it! since i dont publicize my blog to my friends, i dont always expect many people to actually read it.

    and yes, i believe that every emotion you feel is being felt for a reason. so when its a negative emotion, its important to feel and acknowledge it too. i am a pretty optimistic person - but i'm not unrealistic. i create my own fantasies and fairy tales in my head its true, but i'm not delusional to reality or immune to heartache or any other negative emotion.

    you flatter me. haha :] i dont often write here, theres mostly pictures, but i hope that if i do decide to write more that you'll enjoy a piece of that as well.

  5. Fantasies are like drugs. Fantasies create these expectations that are so unrealistic, ur prone to be shitted on. But then! to make yourself better, you try to look at things more positively, which makes u feel better, but leads to more fantasies. And the cycle continues! Yeah... ur probably reading this and going "mas has issueeeeeeeees!!!"Haha, the fact that you think every emotion is felt for a reason is interesting. Never thought of it like that before.


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